Cobwebs from an Empty Skull Read online

  "How," said they, "shall we, who are unskilled in magic, unread in philosophy, and untaught in the secrets of the stars-who have neither wit, eloquence, nor song-how shall we essay to teach wisdom to the wise?"

  Nevertheless, they were compelled to make the attempt. After many had failed and been dispatched, another fox arrived on the ground, and learning the condition of affairs, scampered slyly up the steps, and whispered something in the ear of the cat, who was about entering the tower. So the latter stuck her head in at the door, and shrieked:

  "Pullets with a southern exposure ripen earliest, and have yellow legs."

  At this the magician was so delighted that he dissolved the spell and let them all go free.

  XLIII.

  One evening a jackass, passing between a village and a hill, looked over the latter and saw the faint light of the rising moon.

  "Ho-ho, Master Redface!" said he, "so you are climbing up the other side to point out my long ears to the villagers, are you? I'll just meet you at the top, and set my heels into your insolent old lantern."

  So he scrambled painfully up to the crest, and stood outlined against the broad disc of the unconscious luminary, more conspicuously a jackass than ever before.

  XLIV.

  A bear wishing to rob a beehive, laid himself down in front of it, and overturned it with his paw.

  "Now," said he, "I will lie perfectly still and let the bees sting me until they are exhausted and powerless; their honey may then be obtained without opposition."

  And it was so obtained, but by a fresh bear, the other being dead.

  This narrative exhibits one aspect of the "Fabian policy."

  XLV.

  A cat seeing a mouse with a piece of cheese, said:

  "I would not eat that, if I were you, for I think it is poisoned. However, if you will allow me to examine it, I will tell you certainly whether it is or not."

  While the mouse was thinking what it was best to do, the cat had fully made up her mind, and was kind enough to examine both the cheese and the mouse in a manner highly satisfactory to herself, but the mouse has never returned to give his opinion.

  XLVI.

  An improvident man, who had quarrelled with his wife concerning household expenses, took her and the children out on the lawn, intending to make an example of her. Putting himself in an attitude of aggression, and turning to his offspring, he said:

  "You will observe, my darlings, that domestic offences are always punished with a loss of blood. Make a note of this and be wise."

  He had no sooner spoken than a starving mosquito settled upon his nose, and began to assist in enforcing the lesson.

  "My officious friend," said the man, "when I require illustrations from the fowls of the air, you may command my patronage. The deep interest you take in my affairs is, at present, a trifle annoying."

  "I do not find it so," the mosquito would have replied had he been at leisure, "and am convinced that our respective points of view are so widely dissimilar as not to afford the faintest hope of reconciling our opinions upon collateral points. Let us be thankful that upon the main question of bloodletting we perfectly agree."

  When the bird had concluded, the man's convictions were quite unaltered, but he was too weak to resume the discussion; and, although blood is thicker than water, the children were constrained to confess that the stranger had the best of it.

  This fable teaches.

  XLVII.

  "I hate snakes who bestow their caresses with interested partiality or fastidious discrimination," boasted a boa constrictor. "My affection is unbounded; it embraces all animated nature. I am the universal shepherd; I gather all manner of living things into my folds. Entertainment here for man and beast!"

  "I should be glad of one of your caresses," said a porcupine, meekly; "it has been some time since I got a loving embrace."

  So saying, he nestled snugly and confidingly against the large-hearted serpent-who fled.

  A comprehensive philanthropy may be devoid of prejudices, but it has its preferences all the same.

  XLVIII.

  During a distressing famine in China a starving man met a fat pig, who, seeing no chance of escape, walked confidently up to the superior animal, and said:

  "Awful famine! isn't it?"

  "Quite dreadful!" replied the man, eyeing him with an evident purpose: "almost impossible to obtain meat."

  "Plenty of meat, such as it is, but no corn. Do you know, I have been compelled to eat so many of your people, I don't believe there is an ounce of pork in my composition."

  "And I so many that I have lost all taste for pork."

  "Terrible thing this cannibalism!"

  "Depends upon which character you try it in; it is terrible to be eaten."

  "You are very brutal!"

  "You are very fat."

  "You look as if you would take my life."

  "You look as if you would sustain mine."

  "Let us 'pull sticks,'" said the now desperate animal, "to see which of us shall die."

  "Good!" assented the man: "I'll pull this one."

  So saying, he drew a hedge-stake from the ground, and stained it with the brain of that unhappy porker.

  MORAL.-An empty stomach has no ears.

  XLIX.

  A snake, a mile long, having drawn himself over a roc's egg, complained that in its present form he could get no benefit from it, and modestly desired the roc to aid him in some way.

  "Certainly," assented the bird, "I think we can arrange it."

  Saying which, she snatched up one of the smaller Persian provinces, and poising herself a few leagues above the suffering reptile, let it drop upon him to smash the egg.

  This fable exhibits the folly of asking for aid without specifying the kind and amount of aid you require.

  L.

  An ox meeting a man on the highway, asked him for a pinch of snuff, whereupon the man fled back along the road in extreme terror.

  "Don't be alarmed," said a horse whom he met; "the ox won't bite you."

  The man gave one stare and dashed across the meadows.

  "Well," said a sheep, "I wouldn't be afraid of a horse; he won't kick."

  The man shot like a comet into the forest.

  "Look where you're going there, or I'll thrash the life out of you!" screamed a bird into whose nest he had blundered.

  Frantic with fear, the man leapt into the sea.

  "By Jove! how you frightened me," said a small shark.

  The man was dejected, and felt a sense of injury. He seated himself moodily on the bottom, braced up his chin with his knees, and thought for an hour. Then he beckoned to the fish who had made the last remark.

  "See here, I say," said he, "I wish you would just tell me what in thunder this all means."

  "Ever read any fables?" asked the shark.

  "No-yes-well, the catechism, the marriage service, and-"

  "Oh, bother!" said the fish, playfully, smiling clean back to the pectoral fins; "get out of this and bolt your Æsop!"

  The man did get out and bolted.

  [This fable teaches that its worthy author was drunk as a loon.-TRANSLATOR.]

  LI.

  A lion pursued by some villagers was asked by a fox why he did not escape on horseback.

  "There is a fine strong steed just beyond this rock," said the fox. "All you have to do is to get on his back and stay there."

  So the lion went up to the charger and asked him to give him a lift.

  "Certainly," said the horse, "with great pleasure."

  And setting one of his heels into the animal's stomach, he lifted him. about seven feet from the ground.

  "Confound you!" roared the beast as he fell back.

  "So did you," quietly remarked the steed.

  LII.

  A Mahout who had dismounted from his elephant, and was quietly standing on his head in the middle of the highway, was asked by the animal why he did not revert and move on.

  "You are making a spe
ctacle of yourself," said the beast.

  "If I choose to stand upside down," replied the man, "I am very well aware that I incur the displeasure of those who adhere with slavish tenacity to the prejudices and traditions of society; but it seems to me that rebuke would come with a more consistent grace from one who does not wear a tail upon his nose."

  This fable teaches that four straight lines may enclose a circle, but there will be corners to let.

  LIII.

  A dog meeting a strange cat, took her by the top of the back, and shook her for a considerable period with some earnestness. Then depositing her in a ditch, he remarked with gravity:

  "There, my feline friend! I think that will teach you a wholesome lesson; and as punishment is intended to be reformatory, you ought to be grateful to me for deigning to administer it."

  "I don't think of questioning your right to worry me," said the cat, getting her breath, "but I should like to know where you got your licence to preach at me. Also, if not inconsistent with the dignity of the court, I should wish to be informed of the nature of my offence; in order that I may the more clearly apprehend the character of the lesson imparted by its punishment."

  "Since you are so curious," replied the dog, "I worry you because you are too feeble to worry me."

  "In other words," rejoined the cat, getting herself together as well as she could, "you bite me for that to which you owe your existence."

  The reply of the dog was lost in the illimitable field of ether, whither he was just then projected by the kick of a passing horse. The moral of this fable cannot be given until he shall get down, and close the conversation with the regular apophthegm.

  LIV.

  People who wear tight hats will do well to lay this fable well to heart, and ponder upon the deep significance of its moral:

  In passing over a river, upon a high bridge, a cow discovered a broad loose plank in the flooring, sustained in place by a beam beneath the centre.

  "Now," said she, "I will stand at this end of the trap, and when yonder sheep steps upon the opposite extreme there will be an upward tendency in wool."

  So when the meditative mutton advanced unwarily upon the treacherous device, the cow sprang bodily upon the other end, and there was a fall in beef.

  LV.

  Two snakes were debating about the proper method of attacking prey.

  "The best way," said one, "is to slide cautiously up, endwise, and seize it thus"-illustrating his method by laying hold of the other's tail.

  "Not at all," was the reply; "a better plan is to approach by a circular side-sweep, thus"-turning upon his opponent and taking in his tail.

  Although there was no disagreement as to the manner of disposing of what was once seized, each began to practise his system upon the other, and continued until both were swallowed.

  The work begun by contention is frequently completed by habit.

  LVI.

  A man staggering wearily through the streets of Persepolis, under a heavy burden, said to himself:

  "I wish I knew what this thing is I have on my back; then I could make some sort of conjecture as to what I design doing with it."

  "Suppose," said the burden, "I were a man in a sack; what disposition would you make of me?"

  "The regular thing," replied the man, "would be to take you over to Constantinople, and pitch you into the Bosphorus; but I should probably content myself with laying you down and jumping on you, as being more agreeable to my feelings, and quite as efficacious."

  "But suppose," continued the burden, "I were a shoulder of beef-which I quite as much resemble-belonging to some poor family?"

  "In that case," replied the man, promptly, "I should carry you to my larder, my good fellow."

  "But if I were a sack of gold, do you think you would find me very onerous?" said the burden.

  "A great deal would depend," was the answer, "upon whom you happened to belong to; but I may say, generally, that gold upon the shoulders is wonderfully light, considering the weight of it."

  "Behold," said the burden, "the folly of mankind: they cannot perceive that the quality of the burdens of life is a matter of no importance. The question of pounds and ounces is the only consideration of any real weight."

  LVII.

  A ghost meeting a genie, one wintry night, said to him:

  "Extremely harassing weather, friend. Wish I had some teeth to chatter!"

  "You do not need them," said the other; "you can always chatter those of other people, by merely showing yourself. For my part, I should be content with some light employment: would erect a cheap palace, transport a light-weight princess, threaten a small cripple-or jobs of that kind. What are the prospects of the fool crop?"

  "For the next few thousand years, very good. There is a sort of thing called Literature coming in shortly, and it will make our fortune. But it will be very bad for History. Curse this phantom apparel! The more I gather it about me the colder I get."

  "When Literature has made our fortune," sneered the genie, "I presume you will purchase material clothing."

  "And you," retorted the ghost, "will be able to advertise for permanent employment at a fixed salary."

  This fable shows the difference between the super natural and the natural "super": the one appears in the narrative, the other does not.

  LVIII.

  "Permit me to help you on in the world, sir," said a boy to a travelling tortoise, placing a glowing coal upon the animal's back.

  "Thank you," replied the unconscious beast; "I alone am responsible for the time of my arrival, and I alone will determine the degree of celerity required. The gait I am going will enable me to keep all my present appointments."

  A genial warmth began about this time to pervade his upper crust, and a moment after he was dashing away at a pace comparatively tremendous.

  "How about those engagements?" sneered the grinning urchin.

  "I've recollected another one," was the hasty reply.

  LIX.

  Having fastened his gaze upon a sparrow, a rattlesnake sprung open his spanning jaws, and invited her to enter.

  "I should be most happy," said the bird, not daring to betray her helpless condition, but anxious by any subterfuge to get the serpent to remove his fascinating regard, "but I am lost in contemplation of yonder green sunset, from which I am unable to look away for more than a minute. I shall turn to it presently."

  "Do, by all means," said the serpent, with a touch of irony in his voice. "There is nothing so improving as a good, square, green sunset."

  "Did you happen to observe that man standing behind you with a club?" continued the sparrow. "Handsome fellow! Fifteen cubits high, with seven heads, and very singularly attired; quite a spectacle in his way."

  "I don't seem to care much for men," said the snake. "Every way inferior to serpents-except in malice."

  "But he is accompanied by a really interesting child," persisted the bird, desperately.

  The rattlesnake reflected deeply. He soliloquized as follows:

  "There is a mere chance-say about one chance to ten thousand million-that this songster is speaking the truth. One chance in ten thousand million of seeing a really interesting child is worth the sacrifice demanded; I'll make it."

  So saying, he removed his glittering eyes from the bird (who immediately took wing) and looked behind him. It is needless to say there was no really interesting child there-nor anywhere else.

  MORAL.-Mendacity (so called from the inventors) is a very poor sort of dacity; but it will serve your purpose if you draw it sufficiently strong.

  LX.

  A man who was very much annoyed by the incursions of a lean ass belonging to his neighbour, resolved to compass the destruction of the invader.

  "Now," said he, "if this animal shall choose to starve himself to death in the midst of plenty, the law will not hold me guilty of his blood. I have read of a trick which I think will 'fix' him."

  So he took two bales of his best hay, and placed them in
a distant field, about forty cubits apart. By means of a little salt he then enticed the ass in, and coaxed him between the bundles.

  "There, fiend!" said he, with a diabolic grin, as he walked away delighted with the success of his stratagem, "now hesitate which bundle of hay to attack first, until you starve-monster!"

  Some weeks afterwards he returned with a wagon to convey back the bundles of hay. There wasn't any hay, but the wagon was useful for returning to his owner that unfortunate ass-who was too fat to walk.

  This ought to show any one the folly of relying upon the teaching of obscure and inferior authors.[B]

  LXI.

  One day the king of the wrens held his court for the trial of a bear, who was at large upon his own recognizance. Being summoned to appear, the animal came with great humility into the royal presence.