The Fiend's Delight Read online

  CURRENT JOURNALINGS.

  ... Following is the manner of death incurred by Dr. Deadwood, thecelebrated African explorer, which took place at Ujijijijiji, under theauspices of the Royal Geographical Society of England, assisted, at somedistance, by Mr. Shandy of the New York Herald;--

  An intelligent gorilla has recently been imported to this country,who had the good fortune to serve the Doctor as a body servant in theinterior of Africa, and he thus describes the manner of his master'sdeath. The Doctor was accustomed to pass his nights in the stomach of anacquaintance--a crocodile about fifty feet long. Stepping out one eveningto take an observation of one of the lunar eclipses peculiar to thecountry, he spoke to his host, saying that as he should not return,until after bedtime, he would not trouble him to sit up to let him in;he would just leave the door open till he came home. By way of doing so,he set up a stout fence-rail between his landlord's distended jaws, andwent away.

  Returning about midnight, he took off his boots outside, so as not toawaken his friend, entered softly, knocked away the prop, and preparedto turn in. But the noise of pounding on the rail had aroused thehouseholder, and so great was the feeling of relief induced by therelaxation of the maxillary muscles, that he unconsciously shut hismouth to smile, without giving his tenant time to get into the bedroom.The Doctor was just stooping to untie his drawers, when he was caughtbetween the floor and ceiling, like a lemon in a squeezer.

  Next day the melancholy remains were given up to our informant, whodisplays a singular reticence regarding his disposition of them; merelypicking his teeth with his claws in an absent, thoughtful kind of way,as if the subject were too mournful to be discussed in all its harrowingdetails.

  None of the Doctor's maps or instruments were recovered; his bereavedlandlord holds them as security for certain rents claimed to be due andunpaid. It is probable that Great Britain will make a stern demand forthem, and if they are not at once surrendered will--submit her claim to aConference.

  .... The prim young maidens who affiliate with the Young Men's ChristianAssociation of San Francisco--who furnish the posies for their festivals,and assist in the singing of psalms--have a gymnasium in the temple.Thither they troop nightly to display their skill in turning inside outand shutting themselves up like jack-knives of the gentler kind.

  Here may be seen the godly Rachel and the serious Ruth, suspended bytheir respective toes between the heaven to which they aspire and thewicked world they do abhor. Here the meek-eyed Hannah, pendent fromthe horizontal bar, doubleth herself upon herself and stares fixedlybackward from between her shapely limbs, a thing of beauty and a joyfor several minutes. Mehitable Ann, beloved of young Soapenlocks,vaults lightly over a barrier and with unspoken prayer lays hold on theunstable trapeze mounting aloft in air. Jerusha, comeliest of her sex,ties herself in a double bow-knot, and meditates upon the doctrine ofelection.

  O, blessed temple of grace divine! O, innocence and youth and simplefaith! O, water and molasses and unsalted butter! O, niceness absoluteand godly whey! Would that we were like unto these ewe lambs, thatwe might frisk and gambol among them without evil. Would that we werefemale, and Christian, and immature, with a flavour as of green grassand a hope in heaven. Then would we, too, sing hymns through our blessednose, and contort and musculate with much satisfaction of soul, even inthe gymnasium of The Straight-backed.

  .... Some raging iconoclast, after having overthrown religion byhistory, upset history by science, and then toppled over science, hasnow laid his impious hands upon babies' nursing bottles.

  "The tubes of these infernal machines," says this tearing beast,"are composed of india-rubber dissolved in bisulphide of carbon, andthickened with lead, resin, and sometimes oxysulphuret of antimony, fromwhich, when it comes in contact with the milk, sulphuretted hydrogen isevolved, and lactate of lead formed in the stomach."

  This logic is irresistible. Granting only that the tubes are made inthat simple and intelligible manner (and anybody can see for himselfthat they are), the sulphuretted hydrogen and the lactate of lead follow(down the osophagus) as a logical sequence. But the scientific horrorseems to be profoundly unaware that these substances are not onlyharmless to the child, but actually nutritious and essential toits growth. Not only so, but nature has implanted in its breast aninstinctive craving for these very comforts. Often have we seen some weething turn disgusted from the breast and lift up its thin voice: "Notfor Joseph; give me the bottle with the oxysulphuret of antimony tube. Itake sulphuretted hydrogen and lactate of lead in mine every time!" Andwe have said: "Nature is working in that darling. What God hath joinedtogether let no man put asunder!"

  And we have thought of the wicked iconoclast.

  .... There are a lot of evil-minded horses about the city, who seem totake a fiendish delight in letting fly their heels at whomsoeverthey catch in a godly reverie unconscious of their proximity. This isperfectly natural and human, but it is annoying to be always gettinghorse-kicked when one is not in a mood for it.

  The worst of it is, these horses always manage it so as to get tetheredacross the sidewalk in the most populous thoroughfares, where they atonce drop into the semblance of a sound slumber. By this means they lurethe unsuspecting to their doom, and just as some unconscious pedestrianis passing astern of them they wake up, and without a preliminaryyawn, or even a warning shake of the tail like the more chivalrousrattlesnake, they at once discharge their feet at him with a rapidityand effect that are quite surprising if the range be not too long.Usually this occurs in Merchant-street, below Montgomery, and the damageis merely nominal; some worthless Italian fisherman, market gardener, ordecayed gentleman oozing out of a second-class restaurant being the onlysufferer.

  Rut not infrequently these playful brutes get themselves tethered insome fashionable promenade, and the consequence is demoralizing to whitepeople. We speak within the limits of possibility when we say that wehave seen no less than seven women and children in the air at once,impelled heavenward by as many consecutive kicks of a single skilledoperator. No longer ago than we can remember we saw an aged partyin spectacles and a clawhammer coat gyrating through the air like anirregular bolt shot out of a catapult. Before we could ascertain fromhim the site of the quadruped from whom he had received his impulsion,he had passed like a vague dream, and the equine scoundrel wentunwhipped of justice.

  These flying squadrons are serious inconveniences to public travel; itis conducive to profanity to have a whizzing young woman, a rattling oldman, or a singing baby flung against one's face every few moments by thehoofs of some animal whom one has never injured, and who is a perfectstranger.

  It ought to be stopped.

  .... In the telegraphic account of a distressing railway accident in NewYork, we find the following:--"The body of Mr. Germain was identified byhis business partner, John Austin, who seemed terribly affected by hisloss."

  O, reader, how little we think upon the fearful possibilities hiddenaway in the womb of the future. Any day may snatch from our life itslight. One moment we were happy in the possession of some dear object,about which to twine the tendrils of the heart; the next, we cower andshiver in the chill gloom of a bereavement that withers the soul andmakes existence an intolerable burden! To-day all nature smiles witha sunny warmth, and life spreads before us a wilderness of sweets;to-morrow--we lose our business partner!

  .... Mr. J. L. Dummle, one of our most respected citizens, left hishome to go, as he said, to his office. There was nothing unusual in hisdemeanour, and he appeared to be in his customary health and spirits.It is not known that there was anything in his financial or domesticaffairs to make life distasteful to him. About half an hour afterparting with his family, he was seen conversing with a friend at thecorner of Kearny and Sutter-streets, from which point he seems to havegone directly to the Vallejo-street wharf. He was here seen by thecaptain of the steamer New World, standing upon the extreme end of thewharf, but the circumstance did not arouse any suspicion in the mindof the Captain, to whom he was well known
. At that moment some trivialbusiness diverted the Captain's attention, and he saw Mr. Dummle nomore; but it has been ascertained that the latter proceeded directlyhome, where he may now be seen by any one desiring to obtain furtherparticulars of the melancholy event here narrated.

  Mr. Dummle speaks of it with perfect frankness and composure.

  .... In deference to a time-worn custom, on the first day of the yearthe writer swore to, affixed a revenue stamp upon, and recorded thefollowing document:--

  "I will not, during this year, utter a profane word--unless insport--without having been previously vexed by something.

  "I will murder no one that does not offend me, except for his money.

  "I will commit highway robbery upon none but small school children, andthen only under the stimulus of present or prospective hunger.

  "I will not bear false witness against my neighbour where nothing is tobe made by it.

  "I will be as moral and religious as the law shall compel me to be.

  "I will run away with no man's wife without her full and free consent,and never, no never, so help me heaven! will I take his children along.

  "I wont write any wicked slanders against anybody, unless by refrainingI should sacrifice a good joke.

  "I wont beat any cripples who do not come fooling about me when I ambusy; and I will give all my neighbours' boots to the poor."

  ....A town in Vermont has a society of young men, formed for the expresspurpose of rescuing young ladies from drowning. We warn these gentlementhat we will not accept even honorary membership in their concern; we donot sympathize with the movement. Upon several occasions we have stoodby and seen young ladies' noses disappear beneath the waters blue, witha stolid indifference that would have been creditable in a husband. Itwas a trifle rough on the darlings, but if we know our own mind we donot purpose, just for the doubtful pleasure of saving a female's life,to surrender our prerogative of marrying when and whom we like.

  If we take a fancy to a woman we shall wed her, but we're not to becoerced into matrimony by any ridiculous school-girl who may chance tofall into a horse--pond. We know their tricks and their manners--wakingto consciousness in a fellow's arms and throwing their own wet onesabout his neck, saying, "The life you have preserved, noble youth, isyours; whither thou goest I will go; thy horses and carriages shall bemy horses and carriages!"

  We are too old a sturgeon to be caught with a spoon-hook. Ladies in thevicinity of our person need not hesitate to fling themselves madly intothe first goose-puddle that obstructs their way; their liberty of actionwill be scrupulously respected.

  .... There is a bladdery old nasality ranging about the country uponfree passes, vexing the public ear with "hallowed songs," and makingof himself a spectacle to the eye. This bleating lamb calls himself the"Sacred Singer," and has managed to get that pleasing title into thenewspapers until it is become as offensive as himself.

  Now, therefore, we do trustfully petition that this wearisomepsalm-sharp, this miauling meter-monger, this howling dervish of hymnsdevotional, may strain his trachea, unsettle the braces of his lungs,crack his ridiculous gizzard and perish of pneumonia starvation. And maythe good Satan seize upon the catgut strings of his tuneful soul, andsmite therefrom a wicked, wicked waltz!

  .... We hold a most unflattering opinion of the man who will thieve adog, but between him and the man who will keep one, the moral differenceis not so great as to be irreconcilable.

  Our own dog is a standing example of canine inutility. The scurvy cur isnot only totally depraved in his morals, but his hair stands the wrongway, and his tail is of that nameless type intermediate between thependulously pitiful and the spirally exasperating--a tail which givesrise to conflicting emotions in the mind of the beholder, and causesthe involuntarily uplifted hand to hesitate if it shall knuckle awaythe springing tear, or fall in thunderous vengeance upon the head of thedog's master.

  That dog spends about half his elegant leisure in devouring the coldvictuals of compassion, and the other half in running after the bricksof which he is the provocation and we are the target. Within the lastsix years we employed as editors upon the unhappy journal which itwas intended that this article should redeem, no less than sixteenpickpockets, hoping they would steal him; but with an acute intelligenceof which their writing conveyed but an imperfect idea, they shunned theglittering bait, as one walks to windward of the deadly upas tree. Wehave given him away to friends until we haven't a friend left; we haveoffered him at auction-sales, and been ourselves knocked down; we havedecoyed him into strange places and abandoned him, until we are poorfrom the payment of unpromised rewards. In the character of a charitabledonation he has been driven from the door of every orphan asylum,foundling hospital, and reform school in the State. Not a week passesbut we forfeit exemplary damages for inciting him to fall foul ofpassing gentlemen, in the vain hope of getting him slain.

  If any one would wish to purchase a cheap dog, we would sell this beast.

  .... A religious journal published in the Far West says that BrothersDong, Gong, and Tong are Chinese converts to its church. There is a finereligious nasality about these names that is strongly suggestive of thepulpit in the palmy days of the Puritans.

  By the way, we should dearly love to know how to baptize a Chinaman.We have a shrewd suspicion that it is done as the Mongolian laundrymandampens our linen: by taking the mouth full of water and spouting itover the convert's head in a fine spray. If so, it follows that thepastor having most "cheek" is best qualified for cleansing the pagansoul.

  An important question arises here. Suppose Dong, Gong, and Tong to havebeen baptized in this way, who pronounced that efficacious formula, "Ibaptize thee in the name," etc.? Clearly the parson, with his mouth fullof water, could not have done so at the instant of baptism, and if thesentence was spoken by any other person it was a falsehood. It musttherefore have been spoken either before the minister distended hischeeks, or after he had exhausted them. In either case, according to thelearned Dr. Sicklewit, the ceremony is utterly null and void of effect.(Study of Baptism, vol. ix., ch. cxix. vi. p. 627, line 13 from bottom.)

  Possibly, however, D., G. and T. were not baptized in this way. Then howthe devil were they baptized?--and why?

  .... Henry Wolfe, of Kentucky, aged one hundred and eight years, who hadnever been sick in his life, lay down one fine day and sawed his neckasunder with a razor. Henry did not believe in self-slaughter; hedespised it. It was Henry's opinion that as God had placed us here weshould stay until it was His pleasure to remove us. That is also ouropinion, and the opinion of all other good Christians who would like todie but are afraid to do it. It will be observed that Henry could notclaim originality of opinion.

  But there is a point beyond which hope deferred maketh the heart sick,and Henry had passed that point. He waited patiently till he was nakedof scalp and deaf of ear. He endured without repining the bent back, thesightless eyes, and the creaking joints incident to over-maturity. Butwhen he saw a man perish of senility, who in infancy had called him "OldHank," Mr. Wolfe thought patience had ceased to be commendable, and heabandoned his post of duty without being regularly relieved.

  It is to be hoped he will be hotly punished for it.

  .... One day an obscure and unimportant person pitched himself among therolling porpoises, from a ferry-boat, and an officious busy-body, notat once clearly apprehending that the matter was none of his immediatebusiness, hied him down to the engineer and commanded that official to"back her, hard!" As it is customary upon the high seas for such ordersto emanate from the officer in command, that particular boat keptforging ahead, and the unimportant old person carried out his originaldesign--that is, he went to the bottom like an iron wedge. Rises thepress in its wrath and prates about a Grand Jury! Shrieks an intelligentpublic, in chorus, at the heartless engineer!

  Meantime the pretty fish are running away with choice bits of God'simage at the bottom of the bay; the cunning crab makes merry with a deadman's eye, the nipping shrimp sweeten
s himself for the table upon theclean juices of a succulent corpse. Below all is peace and fat feasting;above rolls the sounding ocean of eternal Bosh!

  .... There is war! The woman suffrage folk go up against one another,because that a portion of them cleave to the error that the Bible isa collection of fables. These will probably divest themselves ofthis belief about the time that Mr. Satan stands over them with atoasting-fork, points significantly to a glowing gridiron, and says toeach suffrager:

  "Madame, I beg your pardon, but you will please retire to the ladies'dressing-room, disrobe, unpad, lay off your back-hair; and make yourselfas comfortable as possible while some fresh coals are being put on thefire. When you have unmade your toilet you may touch that bell, andyou will be nicely buttered and salted for the iron. A polite andgentlemanly attendant will occasionally turn you, and I shall takepleasure in looking in upon you once in a million years, to see that youare being properly done. Exceedingly sultry weather, Madame. Au revoir."

  .... The funeral of the Rev. Father Byrne took place from the Church ofthe Holy Cross. The ceremonies were of the most solemn and impressivecharacter, and were keenly enjoyed by the empty benches by which theProtestant clergy were ably represented. Why turned ye not out, OBiblethump, and Muddletext, and you, Hymnsing? Is it thus that theMaster was wont to treat the dead?

  Now get thee into the secret recesses of thy closet, Rev. Lovepreach;knuckle down upon thy knees and pray to a tolerant God not to smite theewith a plague. For lo! thou hast been a bigoted, bat-eyed, cat-heartedfraud--a preacher of peace and a practiser of strife. For these manyyears thy tongue hath been dropping gospel honey, and thy soul secretingbitterness. Thy voice has been as the sound of glad horns upon a hill,but thy ways are the ways of a gaunt hound tracking the hunted stag."Holier than we," are you? And when the worker of differing faith isgone to his account, you turn your sleek back upon the God's image asit is given to the waiting worms. Perdition seize thee and thy holiness!we'll none of it.

  .... Two hundred dollars for biting a woman's neck and arms! That wasthe sentence imposed upon the gentle Mr. Hill, because His Eminence sethis incisors into the yielding tissue of Mrs. Langdon, a lady with whomhis wife happened to be debating by means of a stew-kettle.

  If this monstrous decision stand, the writer owes the treasury aboutten thousand dollars. Though by nature of a mild and gentle appetite,preferring simple roots and herbs, yet it has been his custom to nip allfemale necks and arms that have been willingly submitted unto his teeth.He hath found in this harmless, and he had supposed lawful, practice,an exceeding sweetness of sensation, and a satisfaction wherewith thedelights of sausage, or the bliss of pigs' feet, can in nowise compare.Having commonly found the gratification mutual, he thinks he isjustified in maintaining its innocence.

  .... We are tolerably phlegmatic and notoriously hard to provoke. Welook on with considerable composure while our favourite Chinamanis being dismembered in the streets, and our dog publicly insulted.Detecting an alien hand in our trousers pocket excites in us only afeeling of temperate disapprobation, and an open swindle executed uponour favourite cousin by an unscrupulous shopkeeper we regard simply asan instance of enterprise which has taken an unfortunate direction. Slowto anger, quick to forgive, charitable in judgment and to mercy prone;with unbounded faith in the entire goodness of man and the completeholiness of woman; seeking ever for palliating circumstances in theconduct of the blackest criminal--we are at once a model of moderationand a pattern of forbearance.

  But if Mrs. Victoria Woodhull and her swinish crew of free lovers hadbut a single body, and that body lay asleep under the upturned root of aprostrate oak, we would work with a dull jack-knife day and night--monthin and month out--through summer's sun and winter's storm--to sever thatgiant trunk, and let that mighty root, clasping its mountain of invertedearth, back into the position assigned to it by nature and by nature'sGod!

  .... We like a liar--a thoroughly conscientious, industrious, andingenious liar. Not your ordinary prevaricator, who skirts alongthe coast of truth, keeping ever within sight of the headlands andpromontories of probability--whose excursions are limited to short,fair-weather reaches into the ocean of imagination, and who paddles forport as if the devil were after him whenever a capful of wind threatensa storm of exposure; but a bold, sea-going liar, who spurns a continent,striking straight out for blue water, with his eyes fixed upon thehorizon of boundless mendacity.

  We have found such a one, and our hat is at half-mast in token ofprofound esteem and conscious inferiority. This person gravely tells usthat at the burning of the Archiepiscopal Palace at Bourges, among othervaluable manuscripts destroyed was the original death-warrant of JesusChrist, signed at Jerusalem by one Capel, and dated U. C. 783. Not onlyso, but he kindly favours us with a literal translation of it!

  One cannot help warming up to a man who can lie like that. Talk aboutChatterton's Rowley deception, Macpherson's Ossian fraud, or Locke'smoon hoax! Compared with this tremendous fib they are as but the stillywhisper of a hearth-stone cricket to the shrill trumpeting of a woundedelephant--the piping of a sick cocksparrow to the brazen clang of adonkey in love!

  .... For the memory of the late John Ridd, of Illinois, we entertain theliveliest contempt. Mr. Ridd recently despatched himself with a firearmfor the following reasons, set forth in a letter that he left behind.

  "Two years ago I discovered that I was worthless. My great failingsare insincerity of character and sly ugliness. Any one who watched me alittle while would discover my unenviable nature."

  Now, it is not that Mr. Ridd was worthless that we hold his memory inreprobation; nor that he was insincere, nor sly, nor ugly. It is becausepossessing these qualities he was fool enough to think they disqualifiedhim for the duties of life, or stood in the way of his being an ornamentto society and an honour to his country.

  ...."About the first of next month," says a pious contemporary, "weshall discontinue the publication of our paper in this city, and shallremove our office and fixtures to--, where we hope for a blessing uponour work, and a share of advertising patronage."

  A numerous editorial staff of intelligent jackasses will accompanythe caravan. In imagination we behold them now, trudging gravely alongbehind the moving office fixtures, their goggle eyes cast down inChristian meditation, their horizontal ears flopping solemnly in unisonwith their measured tread. Ever and anon the leader halts, uprollsthe speculative eye, arrests the oscillation of the ears, laying themrigidly back along the neck, exalts the conscious tail, drops the lankjaw, and warbles a psalm of praise that shakes the blind hills fromtheir eternal repose. His companions take up the parable in turn, "andthe echoes, huddling in affright, like Odin's hounds," go baying downthe valleys and clamouring amongst the pines, like a legion of invisiblefiends after a strange cat. Then again all is hush, and tramp, andsanctity, and flop, and holy meditation! And so the pilgrimage isaccomplished. Selah! Hee-haw!

  .... A man in California has in his possession the rope with which hisfather was hanged by a vigilance committee in '49 for horse-stealing.He keeps it neatly coiled away in an old cheese-box, and every Sundaymorning he lays his left hand reverently upon it, and with uncoveredhead and a look of stern determination in his eye, raises his right toheaven, and swears by an avenging God it served the old man right!

  It has not been deemed advisable to put this dutiful son under bonds tokeep the peace.

  .... A contemporary has some elaborate obituary commendation of aboy seven years of age, who was "a child of more than ordinarysprightliness, loved the Bible, and was deeply impressed with aveneration for holy things."

  Now we would sorrowfully ask our contemporary if he thinks flattery likethis can soothe the dull cold ear of young Dobbin? Dobbin pere may enjoyit as light and entertaining reading, but when the resurrecting angelshall stir the dust of young Theophilus with his foot, and sing out "getup, Dobbin," we think that sprightly youth will whimper three times formolasses gingerbread before he will signify an audible aspiration forth
e Bible. A sweet-tooth is often mistaken for early piety, and lickinga sugar archangel may be easily construed as veneration for holy things.

  .... A young physician of Troy became enamoured of a rich femalepatient, and continued his visits after she was convalescent. Duringone of these he had the misfortune to give her the small-pox, havingneglected to change his clothes after calling on another patientenjoying that malady. The lady had to be removed to the pest-house,where the stricken medico sedulously attends her for nothing. Hisgenerosity does not end here: he declares that should she recover hewill marry her--if she be not too badly pitted.

  Apparently the legal profession does not enjoy a monopoly of all theself-sacrifice that is current in the world.

  .... A young woman stood before the mirror with a razor. Pensively shetwirled the unaccustomed instrument in her jewelled fingers, fancyingher smooth cheek clothed with a manly beard. In imagination she saw herpouting lips shaded by the curl of a dark moustache, and her eyes grewdim with tears that it was not, never could be, so. And the mirroredimage wept back at her a silent sob, the echo of her grief.

  "Ah," she sighed, "why did not God make me a man? Must I still drag outthis hateful, whiskerless existence?"

  The girlish tears welled up again and overran her eyes. Thoughtfully shecrossed her right hand over to her left ear; carefully but timidly sheplaced the keen, cold edge of the steel against the smooth alabasterneck, twisted the fingers of her other hand into her long black hair,drew back her head and ripped away. There was an apparition in thatmirror as of a ripe watermelon opening its mouth to address a publicmeeting; there were the thud and jar of a sudden sitting down; and whenthe old lady came in from frying doughnuts in the adjoining room shefound something that seemed to interest her--something still and warm andwet--something kind of doubled up.

  Ah! poor old wretch! your doughnuts shall sizzle and sputter and swimunheeded in their grease; but the beardless jaw that should have waggedfilially to chew them is dropped in death; the stomach which they shouldhave distended is crinkled and dry for ever!

  .... Miss Olive Logan's lecture upon "girls" has suggested to the writerthe propriety of delivering one upon "boys." He doesn't know anythingabout boys, and is therefore entirely unprejudiced. He was never a boyhimself--has always been just as old as he is now; though the peculiarvagueness of his memory previously to the time of building the pyramidof Cheops, and his indistinct impressions as to the personal appearanceof Job, lead to the suspicion that his faculties at that time werepartially undeveloped. He regards himself as the only lecturer extantwho can do justice to boys; and he prefers to do it with an axe-handle,but is willing, like Olive Logan, to sacrifice his mere preferences forthe purpose of making money.

  This lecture will take place as soon as a sum of money has been sent tothis office sufficiently large to justify him in renting a hall for onehour's uninterrupted profanity--sixty minutes of careful, accurate, andelaborate cursing. Admission--all the money you have about you. Boys willbe charged in proportion to their estimated depravity; fifty dollars ahead for the younger sorts, and from five hundred to one thousand forthose more advanced in general diabolism.

  .... Some women in New York have set the fashion of having costlydiamonds set into their front teeth. The attention of robbers andgarotters is called to this fact, with the recommendation that nogreater force be used than is necessary. The use of the ordinarybludgeon or slung shot would be quite needless; a gentle tap on thehead with a clay pipe or a toothpick will place the victim in the propercondition to be despoiled. Great care should be exercised in extractingthe jewels; instead of the teeth being knocked inwards, as in ordinarycases of mere purposeless mangling, they should be artistically liftedout by inserting the point of a crowbar into the mouth and jumping onthe other end.

  .... The Coroner having broken his leg, inquests will hereafter be heldby the Justices of the Peace. People intending to commit suicide willconfer a favour by worrying along until the Coroner shall recover, asthe Justices are all new to the business. The cold, uncharitable worldis tolerably hard to endure, but if unfortunates will secure somerespectable employment and go to work at it they will be surprised tofind how glibly the moments will glide away. The Coroner will probablybe ready for their carcases in about four weeks, and it would be wellnot to bind themselves to service for a longer period, lest he shouldfind it necessary to send for them and do their little business himself.A fair supply of street-cadavers and water-corpses can usually becounted on, but it is absolutely necessary to have a certain proportionof suicides.

  .... John Reed, of Illinois, is a man who knows his rights, and knowingdares maintain. Having communicated to a young lady his intentionof conferring upon her the honour of his company at a Fourth of Julycelebration, John was pained and disgusted to hear the proposal quietlydeclined. John went thoughtfully away to a neighbour who keeps adouble-shotgun. This he secured, and again sought the object ofhis hopeless preference. The object was seated at the dinner-tablecontending with her lobscouse, and did not feel his presence near. Mr.Reed poised and sighted his artillery, and with the very natural remark,"I think this fetcher," he exploded the twin charges. A moment latermight have been seen the rare spectacle of a headless young lady sittingbolt upright at table, spooning a wad of hash into the top of her neck.The wall opposite presented the appearance of having been bombarded withfresh livers and baptized with sausage-meat.

  No one in the vicinity slept any that night. They were busy gettingready for the Fourth: the gentlemen going about inviting the ladiesto attend the celebration, and the ladies hastily and unconditionallyaccepting.

  .... In answer to the ladies who are always bothering him for aphotograph, Mr. Grile hopes to satisfy all parties by the followingmeagre description of his charms.

  In person he is rather thin early in the morning, and a trifle corpulentafter dinner; in complexion pale, with a suspicion of ruby about thegills. He wears his hair brown, and parted crosswise of his remarkablyfine head. His eyes are of various colours, but mostly bottle-green,with a glare in them reminding one of incipient hydrophobia--from whichhe really suffers. A permanent depression in the bridge of his nose wasinherited from a dying father what time the son mildly petitioned for adivision of the estate to which he and his seventeen brothers were aboutto become the heirs. The mouth is gentlemanly capacious, indicative ofhigh breeding and feeding; the under jaw projects slightly, forming abeautiful natural reservoir for the reception of beer and other liquids.The forehead retreats rapidly whenever a creditor is met, or an offendedreader espied coming toward the office.

  His legs are of unequal length, owing to his constant habit of using oneof them to kick people who may happen to present a fairer mark than thenearest dog. His hand is remarkably slender and white, and is usuallyinserted in another man's pocket. In dress he is wonderfully fastidious,preferring to wear nothing but what is given him. His gait is somethingbetween those of a mud-turtle and a jackass-rabbit, verging closelyon to the latter at periods of supposed personal danger, as beforeintimated.

  In conversation he is animated and brilliant, some of his lies beingquite equal to those of Coleridge or Bolingbroke; but in repose heresembles nothing so much as a heap of old clothes. In conclusion, hisrespect for letter-writing ladies is so great that he would not touchone of them with a ten-foot pole.

  .... Only one hundred and ten thousand pious pilgrims visited MountArarat in a body this year. The urbane and gentlemanly proprietors ofthe Ark Tavern complain that their receipts have hardly been sufficientto pay for the late improvements in this snug retreat. These gentlemencontinue to keep on hand their usual assortment of choice wines,liquors, and cigars.

  Opposite the Noah House, Shem Street, between Ham and Japhet.

  .... It is commonly supposed that President Lopez, of Paraguay, waskilled in battle; but after reading the following slander upon him andhis mother, written some time since by a friend of ours, it is difficultto believe he did not commit suicide:--

  "The te
legraph informs us that President Lopez, of Paraguay, has againmurdered his mother for conspiring against his life. That sprightly, andactive old lady has now been executed three thousand times for the sameoffence. She is now eighty-three years old, and erect as a telegraphpole. Time writes no wrinkles on her awful brow, and her teeth are assound as on the day of her birth. She rises every morning punctually atfour o'clock and walks ten miles; then, after a light breakfast, entersher study and proceeds to hatch out a new conspiracy against her firstborn. About 2 P. M. it is discovered, and she is publicly executed.A light toast and a cup of strong tea finish the day's business; sheretires at seven and goes to sleep with her mouth open. She has pursuedthis life with the most unfaltering regularity for the last fifty years.It is only by this unswerving adherence to hygienic principles that shehas attained her present green old age."

  .... There is a person resident in Stockton Street whom we cannot regardwith feelings other than those of lively disapproval. It is not that thewoman--for this person is a mature female--ever did us any harm, or islikely to; that is not our grievance. What we seriously object to andactively contemn--yea, bitterly denounce--is the nose of her. So mighty anose we have never beheld--so spacious, and open, and roomy a human snoutthe unaided imagination is impotent to picture. It rises from her facelike a rock from a troubled sea-grand, serene, majestic! It turns upat an angle that fills the spectator with admiration, and impresses himwith an awe that is speechless.

  But we have no space for a description of this eternal proboscis.Suffice it that its existence is a standing menace to society, a threatto civilization, and a danger to commerce. The woman who will harbourand cherish such an organ is no better than a pirate. We do not know whoshe is, and we have no desire to know. We only know that all the angelscould not pull us past her house with a chain cable, without giving usone look at that astounding feature. It is the one prominent landmark ofthe nineteenth century--the special wonder of the age--the solitary marvelof a generation!

  We would give anything to see her blow it.

  .... At the Coroner's inquest in the case of John Harvey there wasconsiderable difficulty in ascertaining the cause of death, but as onewitness testified that the deceased was pounding fulminate of mercury atthe Powder Works just previously to his lamented demise, there is goodreason to believe he was hoist into heaven with his own petard. In fact,such fractions of him as have come to hand, up to date, seem to confirmthis view. This evidence is rather disjointed and fragmentary, but itis sufficient to discourage the brutal practice of pounding fulminate ofmercury when our streets and Sunday-schools are swarming with availableChinaman who seldom hit back.

  .... We find the following touching tale in all the newspapers. Itbelongs to that class of tales concerning which the mildest doubt ishateful blasphemy.

  "A little girl in Ithaca, just before she died, exclaimed: 'Papa, takehold of my hand and help me across.' Her father had died two monthsbefore. Did she see him?"

  There is not a doubt of it; but interested relatives have somewhatmisstated the little girl's exclamation, which was this:--

  "Papa, take hold of my hand, and I will help you out of that."

  .... We get the most distressing accounts of the famine in Persia. Itis said that cannibalism is as common among the starving inhabitants aspork-eating in California.

  This is very sad; it shows either a very low state of Persian moralityor a conspicuous lack of Persian ingenuity. They ought to manage it asthe conscientious Indians do. In time of famine these gentle creaturesnever disgrace themselves by feasting upon each other: they permit theirdogs to devour the dead, and then they eat the dogs.

  .... An old lady was set upon by a fiend in human apparel, andremorselessly kissed in the presence of her daughter.

  This happened a few days since in Iowa, where the fiend now lies buried.Any man who is so dead to shame, and so callous of soul generally, as toforce his unwelcome endearments upon a poor, defenceless old lady, whileher beautiful young daughter stands weeping by, equally defenceless,deserves pretty much all the evil that can be done to him. Splitting himlike a fish is so disgracefully inadequate a punishment, that the manwho should administer it might justly be regarded as an accomplice.

  .... From London we have intelligence of the stabbing to death of a manby mistake. His assassin mistook him for a person related to himself,whose loss would be his own financial gain. Fancy the utter dejection ofthis stabber when he discovered the absurd blunder he had committed! Webelieve a slip like that would justify a man in throwing down the knifeand discarding murder for ever; while two such errors would be ampleexcuse for him to go into some kind of business.

  .... A small but devout congregation were at worship. When it hadbecome a free exhibition, in which any brother could enact a part, aqueer-looking person got up and began a pious and learned exhortation.He spake for some two hours, and was listened to with profoundattention, his discourse punctuated with holy groans and pious amensfrom an edified circle of the saintly. Tears fell as the gentle rainsfrom heaven. Several souls were then and there snatched as brands fromthe eternal burning, and started on their way to heaven rejoicing. Atthe end of the second hour, and as the inspired stranger approached"eighty-seventhly," some one became curious to know who the teacher was,when lo! it turned out that he was an escaped lunatic from the Asylum.

  The curses of the elect were not loud but deep. They fumed withexceeding wrath, and slopped over with pious indignation at the swindleput upon them. The inspired, however, escaped, and was afterwardscaptured in a cornfield.

  The funeral was unostentatious.

  .... We hear a great deal of sentiment with regard to the last solareclipse. Considerable ink has been consumed in setting forth theterrible and awe-inspiring features of the scene. As there will beno other good one this season, the following recipe for producing oneartificially will be found useful:--Suspend a grindstone from the centreof a room. Take a cheese of nearly the same size, and after blacking oneside of it, pass it slowly across the face of the grindstone and observethe effect in a mirror placed opposite, on the cheese side. The effectwill be terrific, and may be heightened by taking a rum punch just atthe instant of contact. This plan is quite superior to that of nature,for with several cheeses graduated in size, all known varieties ofeclipse may be presented. In writing up the subsequent account, a greatmany interesting phenomena may be introduced quite impossible to obtaineither by this or any other process.

  .... We have observed with considerable impatience that the authors ofSunday School books do not seem to know anything; there is no reasonwhy these pleasant volumes should not be made as effective as they aredeeply interesting. The trouble is in the method of treating wickedchildren; instead of being destroyed by appalling calamities, theyshould simply be made painfully ridiculous.

  For example, the little scoundrel who climbs up an apple-tree to plundera bird's-nest, ought never to fall and break his neck. He should bepermitted to garner his unholy harvest of eggs in his pocket, then losehis balance, catch the seat of his pantaloons on a knot-hole, and hangdoubled up, with the smashed eggs trickling down his jacket, and gettinginto his hair and eyes. Then the good little girls should be lugged in,to poke fun at him, and ask him if he likes 'em hard or soft. This wouldbe a most impressive warning.

  The boy who neglects his prayers to go boating on a Sunday ought not tobe drowned. He should be spilled out into the soft mud along shore, andstuck fast where the Sunday School scholars could pelt him with slush,and their teacher have a fair fling at him with a dead cat.

  The small female glutton who steals jam in the pantry ought not to getpoisoned. She should get after a pot of warm glue, which should be madeto miraculously stiffen the moment she gets it into her mouth, and haveto be gouged out of her with a chisel and hammer.

  Then there is the swearing party, who is struck by lightning--a veryshallow and unprofitable device. He should open his face to swear,dislocate his jaw, be unable to get closed up, and the rats should getin
at night, make nests there, and breed.

  There are other suggestions that might be made, but these will give afair idea of our method, the foundation of which is the substitutionof potent ridicule for the current grave but imbecile rebuke. It may begratifying to learn that we are embodying our views in a whole libraryof Sunday School literature, adapted to the meanest capacity, andtherefore equally edifying to pupil, pastor, and parent.

  .... A young correspondent, who has lately read a great deal in theEnglish papers about "baby-farming," wishes to know what that may be.It is a new method of agriculture, in which the young of our species areused for manure.

  The babies are collected each day and put into large vats containingequal parts of hydrobicarbonate of oxygenated sulphide, and oxygenatedsulphide of hydrobicarbonate, where they are left to soak overnight. Inthe morning they are carefully macerated in a mortar and are thenpoured into shallow copper pans, where they remain until all the liquidportions have been evaporated by the sun. The residuum is then scrapedout, and after the addition of a certain proportion of quicklime thewhole is thrown away. Ordinary bone dust and charcoal are then usedfor manure, and the baby farmers seldom fail of getting a good crop ofwhatever they plant, provided they stick the seeds in right end up.

  It will be seen that the result depends more upon the hydrobicarbonatethan upon the infants; there isn't much virtue in babies. But then ourcorrespondent should remember that there is none at all in adults.

  .... A young woman writes to a contemporary, desiring to learn if itis true that kissing a dead man will cure the tooth-ache. It might; itsometimes makes a great difference whether you take your medicine hotor cold. But we would earnestly advise her to try kissing a multitude oflive men before taking so peculiar a prescription. It is our impressionthat corpses are absolutely worthless for kissing purposes, and if onecan find no better use for them, they might as well be handed over tothe needy and deserving worm.

  .... Mr. Knettle, deceased, became irritated, and fired three shots froma revolver into the head of his coy sweetheart, while she was makingbelieve to run away from him. It has seldom been our lot--except in thecases of a few isolated policemen--to record so perfectly satisfactorytarget practice. If that man had lived he would have made his mark aswell as hit it. He died by his own hand at the beginning of a brilliantcareer, and although we cannot hope to emulate his shooting, we maycherish the memory of his virtues just as if we could bring down ourgirl every time at ten paces.

  .... A pedagogue has been sentenced to the county gaol, for six months,for whipping a boy in a brutal manner. The public heartily approves thesentence, and, quite naturally, we dissent. We know nothing whateverabout this particular case, but upon general principles we favour theextreme flagellation of incipient Man. In our own case the benefit ofthe system is apparent; had not our pious parent administered dailyrebukes with such foreign bodies as he could lay his hands on we mighthave grown up a Presbyterian deacon.

  Look at us now!

  .... A man who played a leading part in a late railroad accident had hadhis life insured for twenty thousand dollars. Unfortunately the policyexpired just before he did, and he had neglected to renew it. This is ahappy illustration of the folly of procrastination. Had he got himselfkilled a few days sooner his widow would have been provided with themeans of setting up housekeeping with another man.

  .... People ought not to pack cocked pistols about in the hip pockets oftheir trousers; the custom is wholly indefensible. Such is the opinionof the last man who leaned up against the counter in a Marysvilledrinking-saloon for a quiet chat with the barkeeper.

  The odd boot will be given to the poor.

  .... A man ninety-seven years of age has just died in the State of NewYork. The Sun says he had conversed with both President Washington andPresident Grant.

  If there were any further cause of death it is not stated.

  .... The letter following was written by the Rev. Reuben Hankerlockew,a Persian Christian, in relation to the late famine in his country. TheRev. gentleman took a hopeful view of affairs.

  "Peace be with you--bless your eyes! Our country is now suffering thedirest of calamities, compared with which the punishment of Tarantulus"(we suppose our correspondent meant Tantalus) "was nice, and the agonyof a dyspeptic ostrich in a junk shop is a condition to be coveted.We are in the midst of plenty, but we can't get anything that seemsto suit. The supply of old man is practically unlimited, but it istoo tough to chew. The market stalls are full of fresh girl, but thescarcity of salt renders the meat entirely useless for table purposes.Prime wife is cheap as dirt--and about as good. There is a 'corner' inpickled baby, and nobody can 'fill.' The same article on the hoof is allheld by a ring of speculators at figures which appal the man of moderatemeans. Of the various brands of 'cemetery,' that of Japan is mostabundant, owing to the recent pestilence, but it is, fishy and rank. Asfor grain, or vegetable filling of any kind, there is hone in Persia,except the small lot I have on hand, which will be disposed of inlimited quantities for ready money. But don't you foreigners botherabout us--we shall get along all right--until I have disposed of mycereals. Persia does not need any foreign corn until after that."

  It is improbable that the Rev. gentleman himself perished of starvation.

  .... We are filled with unspeakable gratification to record the deathof that double girl who has been in everybody's mouth for months. Thisshameless little double-ender, with two heads and one body--two cherrieson a single stem, as it were--has been for many moons afflicting oursimple soul with an itching desire that she might die--the nasty pig! Twohalf-girls, joined squarely at the waist, and without any legs, are nota pleasant type of the coming woman.

  Had she lived, she would have been a bone of social, theological, andpolitical contention, and we should never have heard the end--of whichshe had two alike. If she had lived to marry, some mischief--makingscoundrel would have procured the indictment of her husband for bigamy.The preachers would have fought for her, and if converted separately,her Methodist end might have always been thrashing her Episcopal end, orvice versa. When she came to serve on a jury, nobody could have decidedif there ought to be eleven others or only ten; and if she ever votedtwice, the opposite party would have had her up for repeating; and ifonly once, she would have been read out of her own, for criminal apathyin the exercise of the highest duty, etc.

  We bless God for taking her away, though what He can want with her isas difficult a problem as herself or Himself. She will have to wear twogolden crowns, thus entailing a double expense; she wont be able to flyany, and having no legs, she must be constantly watched to keep her fromrolling out of heaven. She will just have to lie on a soft cloud in someout-of-the-way corner, and eternally toot two trumpets, without otherexercise. If Gabriel is the sensible fellow we think him, he wont wakeher at the Resurrection.

  Look at this infant in any light you please, and it is evident that shewas a dead failure and is yet. She did but one good thing, and that wasto teach the Siamese Twins how to die. After they shall have taken thehint, we hope to have no more foolish experiments in double folks bornthat way. Married couples are sufficiently unpleasing.

  .... The head biblesharp of the New York Independent resigned hisposition, because the worldly proprietor would insist upon running thecommercial column of that sheet in a secular manner, with an eye to thegoods that perish. The godly party wished him to ignore the filthylucre of this world, and lay up for himself treasures in heaven; butthe sordid wretch would seize every covert opportunity to reach out hislittle muckrake after the gold of the gentile, to the neglect of thethings that appertain unto salvation. Therefore did the conscientiousdriver of the piety-quill betake himself to some new field.

  Will the editors of all similar sheets do likewise? or have they moreelastic consciences? For, behold, the muckrake is likewise visible inall.

  .... Some of the Red Indians on the plains have discarded the songs oftheir fathers, and adopted certain of Dr. Watts's hymns, which they howl
at their scalp-dances with much satisfaction.

  This is encouraging, certainly, but we dare not counsel the goodmissionaries to pack up their libraries and go home with the impressionthat the noble red is thoroughly converted. There yet remains a work todo; he must be taught to mortify, instead of paint, his countenance, andinduced to abandon the savage vice of stealing for the Christian virtueof cheating. Likewise he must be made to understand that althoughconjugal fidelity is highly commendable, all civilized nations aredistinguished by a faithful adherence to the opposite practice.

  .... Some raving maniac sends us a mass of stuff, which savours stronglyof Walt Whitman, and which, probably for that reason, he calls poetry.We have room for but a single bit of description, which we print as anillustration of the depth of literary depravity which may be attained bya "poet" in love:--

  "Behold, thou art fair, my love: behold, thou art fair; thou hast dove'seyes within thy locks; thy hair is as a flock of goats that appear fromMt. Gilead. Thy teeth are like a flock of sheep that are even shorn,which came up from the washing; whereof every one bear twins, and noneis barren among them. Thy lips are like a thread of scarlet, and thyspeech is comely; thy temples are like a piece of pomegranate within thylocks. Thy neck is a tower of ivory; thine eyes like the fishpools ofHeshbon, by the gate of Bath-rabbim; thy nose is as the tower of Lebanonlooking towards Damascus."

  Really, we think that will do for one instalment. What the mischief this"poet" means, with his goat's hair, sheep's teeth, and temples like apiece of pomegranate, is quite beyond our mental reach. We would suggestthat the ignorance of English grammar displayed in the phrase "everyone bear twins," is not atoned for by comparing his mistress's eyes toa duck pond, and her nose to the "tower of Lebanon looking towardsDamascus." The latter simile is suggestive of unpleasant consequences tothe inhabitants of that village in case the young lady should decide toblow that astounding feature! Our very young contributor will considerhimself dismissed with such ignominy as is implied by our franticindifference.

  .... A liberal reward will be paid by the writer for a suitablyvituperative epithet to be applied to the ordinary street preacher. Thewriter has himself laboured with so unflagging a zeal in the pursuitof the proper word, has expended the midnight oil with so lavish andmatchless a prodigality, has kneaded his brain with such a singularforgetfulness of self--that he is gone clean daft. And all, withoutadequate result! From the profoundest deep of his teeming inventionhe succeeded in evolving only such utterly unsatisfying results as"rhinoceros," "polypus," and "sheeptick" in the animal kingdom, and"rhubarb," "snakeroot," and "smartweed" in the vegetable. The mineralworld was ransacked, but gave forth only "old red sandstone," which istolerably severe, but had been previously used to stigmatize a member ofthe Academy of Sciences.

  Now, what we wish to secure is a word that shall contain within itselfall the essential principles of downright abuse; the mere pronouncingof which in the public street would subject one to the inconvenience ofbeing rent asunder by an infuriated populace--something so atrociouslyapt and so exquisitely diabolical that any person to whom it shouldbe applied would go right away out and kick himself to death with ajackass. We covenant that the inventor shall be slain the moment weare in possession of his infernal secret, as life would of course be amiserable burden to him ever afterward.

  With a calm reliance upon the fertile scurrility of our readers, weleave the matter in their hands, commending their souls to the mercifulGod who contrived them.

  .... We have received from a prominent clergyman a long letter ofearnest remonstrance against what he is pleased to term our "unprovokedattacks upon God's elect."

  We emphatically deny that we have ever made any unprovoked attacks uponthem. "God's elect" are always irritating us. They are eternally lyingin wait with some monstrous absurdity, to spring it upon us at thevery moment when we are least prepared. They take a fiendish delight intorturing us with tantrums, galling us with gammon, and pelting us withplatitudes. Whenever we disguise ourself in the seemly toggery of thegodly, and enter meekly into the tabernacle, hoping to pass unobserved,the parson is sure to detect us and explode a bombful of bosh upon ourdevoted head. No sooner do we pick up a religious weekly than we stumbleand sprawl through a bewildering succession of inanities, manufacturedexpressly to ensnare our simple feet. If we take up a tract we are laidout cold by an apostolic knock straight from the clerical shoulder.We cannot walk out of a pleasant Sunday without being keeled Over by astroke of pious lightning flashed from the tempestuous eye of an iratechurchman at our secular attire. Should we cast our thoughtlessglance upon the demure Methodist Rachel we are paralysed by a scowl ofdisapprobation, which prostrates like the shock of a gymnotus; and anyof our mild pleasantry at the expense of young Squaretoes is cut shortby a Bible rebuke, shot out of his mouth like a rock from a catapult.

  Is it any wonder that we wax gently facetious in conversing of "theelect?"--that in our weak way we seek to get even? Now, good clergyman,go thou to the devil, and leave us to our own devices; or an offendedjournalist shall skewer thee upon his spit, and roast thee in a blaze ofrighteous indignation.

  .... The New York Tribune, descanting upon the recent nationalmisfortune by which the writer's red right hand was quietly chewed byan envious bear, says it cannot commend the writer's example, but hopes"his next appearance in print may edify his readers on the dangers ofsuch a practice."

  We had not hitherto deemed it necessary to raise a warning voice to auniverse not much given to fooling with bears anyhow, but embrace thisopportunity to declare ourself firmly and unalterably opposed to thewhole business. We plant our ample feet squarely upon the platform ofnon--intervention, so far as affects the social economy and individualidiosyncrasies of bears. But if the Tribune man expects a homily uponthe sin of feeding oneself in courses to wild animals, he is informedthat we waste no words upon the senseless wretch who is given to thatspecies of iniquity. We regard him with ineffable self-contempt.

  .... A young girl in Grass Valley having died, her father wrote someverses upon the occasion, in which she is made to discourse thus:--

  "Then do not detain me, for why should I stay When cherubs in heavencall me away? Earth has no pleasure, no joys that compare, With the joysthat await us in heaven so fair."

  As the little darling was only two years and a fraction of age it istolerably impossible to divine upon what authority she sought to throwdiscredit upon the joys of earth: her observation having been limited tomother's milk and treacle toffy. But that's just the way with professingChristians; they are always disparaging the delights which they areunfitted to enjoy.

  .... The Rev. Dr. Cunningham instructs his congregation that it is notenough to give to the Church what they can spare, but to give andkeep giving until they feel it to be a burden and a sacrifice. These,brethren, are the inspired words of one who has a deep and abidingpecuniary interest in what he is talking about. Such a man cannoterr, except by asking too little; and empires have risen and perished,islands have sprung from the sea, mountains have burnt their bowels out,and rivers have run dry, since a man of God has committed this error.OBITUARY NOTICES. CHRISTIANS.

  .... It is with a feeling of professional regret that we recordthe death of Mr. Jacob Pigwidgeon. Deceased was one of our earliestpioneers, who came to this State long before he was needed. His age isa matter of mere conjecture; probably he was less advanced in years thanMethuselah would have been had he practised a reasonable temperancein eating and drinking. Mr. Pigwidgeon was a gentleman of sincere butmodest piety, profoundly respected by all who fancied themselves likehim. Probably no man of his day exercised so peculiar an influenceupon society. Ever, foremost in every good work out of which there wasanything to be made, an unstinted dispenser of every species of charitythat paid a commission to the disburser, Mr. Pigwidgeon was a model ofgenerosity; but so modestly did he lavish his favours that his lefthand seldom knew what pocket his right hand was relieving. During thetroubles of '56 he was closely identified with the Vig
ilance Committee,being entrusted by that body with the important mission of going intoNevada and remaining there. In 1863 he was elected an honorary member ofthe Society for the Prevention of Humanity to the Chinese, and there islittle doubt but he might have been anything, so active was the esteemwith which he inspired those for whom it was desired that he shouldvote.

  Originally born in Massachusetts, but for twenty-one years a native ofCalifornia and partially bald, possessing a cosmopolitan nature thatloved an English shilling as well, in proportion to its value, as aMexican dollar, the subject of our memoir was one whom it was an honourto know, and whose close friendship was a luxury that only the affluentcould afford. It shall even be the writer's proudest boast that heenjoyed it at less than half the usual rates.

  The circumstances attending his taking off were most mournful. Hehad been for some time very much depressed in spirits of one kind andanother, and on last Wednesday morning was observed to be foaming at themouth. No attention was paid to this; his family believing it to bea symptom of hydrophobia, with which he had been afflicted from thecradle. Suddenly a dark-eyed stranger entered the house, took thepatient's neck between his thumb and forefinger, threw the body acrosshis shoulder, winked respectfully to the bereaved widow, and withdrew byway of the kitchen cellar. Farewell, pure soul! we shall meet again.

  .... We are reluctantly compelled to relate the untimely death of Mrs.Margaret Ann Picklefinch, which occurred about one o'clock yesterdaymorning. The circumstances attending the melancholy event were these:--

  Just before the hour named, her husband, the well-known temperancelecturer, and less generally known temperance lecturee, came home froman adjourned meeting of the Cold-Water Legion, and retired very drunk.His estimable lady got up and pulled off his boots, as usual. He gotinto bed and she lay down beside him. She uttered a mild preliminaryoath of endearment and suddenly ceased speaking. It must have been aboutthis time she died. About daylight he invited her to get up and make afire. Detecting no movement in her body he enforced family discipline.The peculiar hard sound of his wife striking the floor first aroused hissuspicions of the bereavement he had sustained, and upon rising later inthe day he found his first fears realized; the lady had waived her claimto his further protection.

  We extend to Mr. P. our sincere sympathy in the greatest calamity thatcan befall an unmarriageable man. The inconsolable survivor called atour office last evening, conversed feelingly some moments about thevirtues of the dear departed, and left with the air of a dog that hashad his tail abbreviated and is forced to begin life anew. Truly thedecrees of Providence appear sometimes absurd.

  .... Mr. Bildad Gorcas, whose death has cast a wet blanket of gloom overour community, was a man comparatively unknown, but his life furnishesan instructive lesson to fast livers. Mr. Gorcas never in his lifetasted ardent spirits, ate spiced meats, or sat up later than nineo'clock in the evening. He rose, summer and winter, at two A. M., andpassed an hour and three quarters immersed in ice water. For the lasttwenty years he has walked fifteen miles daily before breakfast, andthen gone without breakfast. During his waking hours he was never amoment idle; when not hard at work he was trying to think. Up to thetime of his death, which occurred last Sunday, he had never spoken to adoctor, never had occasion to curse a dentist, had a luxurious growth ofvariegated hair, and there was not a wrinkle upon any part of his body.If he had not been cut off by falling across a circular saw at the earlyage of thirty-two, there is no telling how long he might have weatheredit through.

  A life like his is so bright and shining an example that we are almostsorry he died.

  .... During the week just rolled into eternity, our city has beenplunged into the deepest grief. He who doeth all things well, though toour weak human understanding His acts may sometimes seen to savour ofinjustice, has seen fit to remove from amongst us one whose genius andblameless life had endeared him to friend and foe alike.

  In saying that Mr. Jowler was a dog of preeminent abilities andexceptional virtues, we but faintly echo the verdict of a bereavedUniverse. Endowed with a gigantic intellect and a warm heart, modest inhis demeanour genial in his intercourse with friends and acquaintances,and forbearing towards strangers (with whom he ever maintained the mostcordial relations, unmarred by the gross familiarity--too commonamong dogs of inferior breeds), inoffensive in his daily walk andconversation, the deceased was universally respected and his loss willbe even more generally deplored.

  It would be a work of supererogation to give a resume of the publiccareer of one so well known--one whose name has become a household word.In private life his character was equally estimable. He had ever a wagof encouragement for the young, the ill-favoured, the belaboured, andthe mangy. Though his gentle spirit has passed away, he has left with usthe record of his virtues as a shining example for all puppies; andthe writer is pleased to admit that so far as in him lay he has himselfendeavoured to profit by it. PAGANS.

  .... Yo Hop is dead! He was last seen alive about three o'clockyesterday morning by a white labourer who was returning home after anelongated orgie at a Barbary Coast inn, and at the time seemed to bein undisputed possession of all his faculties; the remainder ofhis personal property having been transferred to the white laboureraforesaid. At the moment alluded to, Mr. Hop was in the act of throwingup his arms, as if to ward off some impending danger in the hands ofthe sole spectator. An instant later he experienced one of thosesudden deaths which have made this city popularly famous and surgicallyinteresting.

  The lamented was forty years of age; how much longer he might havelived, in his own country, it is impossible to determine; but it isto be remarked that the climate of California is a very trying one topeople of his peculiar organization. The body was kindly taken in chargeby a resident of the vicinity, and now lies in state in his backyard, where it is being carefully prepared for burial by those skilfulmeathounds, Messrs. Lassirator, Mangler, and Chure, whose names are asufficient guarantee that the mournful rites will be attended to in amanner befitting the solemn occasion.

  We tender the bereaved widow our sincere sympathy at the regular rates.The cause of Mr. Hop's demise is unknown. It is unimportant.

  .... A dead Asian was recently found in a ditch in Nevada county. Hishead, like that of a toad, had a precious jewel imbedded in it, aboutthe size of an ordinary watermelon, and a clear majority of his fingers,toes, and features had received Christian burial in the stomachs ofseveral contiguous hogs with roving commissions. As he seemed unwillingto state who he was, or how he got his deserts, he was tenderly replacedin his last ditch, and his discoverers proceeded leisurely for thecoroner. Upon the arrival of that public functionary some days later,a pile of nice clean bones was discovered, with this touching epitaphinscribed with a lead pencil upon a segment of the skull:

  "Yur lize wot cant be chawd of Chineece jaik; xekewted bi me fur aplitikle awfens, and et bi mi starven hogs, wich aint hed nuthin aforesence jaix boss stoal mi korn. BIL ROPER, and ov sich is Kingdem cum."

  .... The following report of an autopsy is of peculiar interest tophysicians and Christians:--Case 81st.--Felo de se. Yow Kow, yellow,male, Chinese, aged 94; found dead on the street; addicted to opium.Autopsy--sixteen hours after death. Slobbering at the mouth; headcaved in; immense rigor mortis; eyes dilated and gouged out; abdomenlacerated; hemorrhage from left ear. Head. Water on the brain; scalpcongested, rather; when burst with a mallet interior of head resembleda war map. Thorax. Charge of buckshot in left lung; diaphragm suffused;heart wanting--finger marks in that vicinity; traces of hobnails outside.Abdomen. Lacerated as aforesaid; small intestines cumbered with brickdust; slingshot in duodenum; boot-heel imbedded in pelvis; butcher'sknife fixed rigidly in right kidney.

  Remarks: Chinese immigration will ruin any country in the world.