Fantastic Fables Read online

  One of the most delighted spectators at the execution was the anonymous Respector of Law who had flung the condemned.

  The Honourable Member

  A Member of a Legislature, who had pledged himself to his Constituents not to steal, brought home at the end of the session a large part of the dome of the Capitol. Thereupon the Constituents held an indignation meeting and passed a resolution of tar and feathers.

  “You are most unjust,” said the Member of the Legislature. “It is true I promised you I would not steal; but had I ever promised you that I would not lie?”

  The Constituents said he was an honourable man and elected him to the United States Congress, unpledged and unfledged.

  The Expatriated Boss

  A Boss who had gone to Canada was taunted by a Citizen of Montreal with having fled to avoid prosecution.

  “You do me a grave injustice,” said the Boss, parting with a pair of tears. “I came to Canada solely because of its political attractions; its Government is the most corrupt in the world.”

  “Pray forgive me,” said the Citizen of Montreal.

  They fell upon each other’s neck, and at the conclusion of that touching rite the Boss had two watches.

  An Inadequate Fee

  An Ox, unable to extricate himself from the mire into which he sank, was advised to make use of a Political Pull. When the Political Pull had arrived, the Ox said: “My good friend, please make fast to me, and let nature take her course.”

  So the Political Pull made fast to the Ox’s head and nature took her course. The Ox was drawn, first, from the mire, and, next, from his skin. Then the Political Pull looked back upon the good fat carcase of beef that he was dragging to his lair and said, with a discontented spirit:

  “That is hardly my customary fee; I’ll take home this first instalment, then return and bring an action for salvage against the skin.”

  The Judge and the Plaintiff

  A Man of Experience in Business was awaiting the judgment of the Court in an action for damages which he had brought against a railway company. The door opened and the Judge of the Court entered.

  “Well,” said he, “I am going to decide your case to-day. If I should decide in your favour, I wonder how you would express your satisfaction?”

  “Sir,” said the Man of Experience in Business, “I should risk your anger by offering you one half the sum awarded.”

  “Did I say I was going to decide that case?” said the Judge, abruptly, as if awakening from a dream. “Dear me, how absent-minded I am. I mean I have already decided it, and judgment has been entered for the full amount that you sued for.”

  “Did I say I would give you one half?” said the Man of Experience in Business, coldly. “Dear me, how near I came to being a rascal. I mean, that I am greatly obliged to you.”

  The Return of the Representative

  Hearing that the Legislature had adjourned, the people of an Assembly District held a mass-meeting to devise a suitable punishment for their representative. By one speaker it was proposed that he be disembowelled, by another that he be made to run the gauntlet. Some favoured hanging, some thought that it would do him good to appear in a suit of tar and feathers. An old man, famous for his wisdom and his habit of drooling on his shirt-front, suggested that they first catch their hare. So the Chairman appointed a committee to watch for the victim at midnight, and take him as he should attempt to sneak into town across-lots from the tamarack swamp. At this point in the proceedings they were interrupted by the sound of a brass band. Their dishonoured representative was driving up from the railway station in a coach-and-four, with music and a banner. A few moments later he entered the hall, went upon the platform, and said it was the proudest moment of his life. (Cheers.)

  A Statesman

  A Statesman who attended a meeting of a Chamber of Commerce rose to speak, but was objected to on the ground that he had nothing to do with commerce.

  “Mr. Chairman,” said an Aged Member, rising, “I conceive that the objection is not well taken; the gentleman’s connection with commerce is close and intimate. He is a Commodity.”

  Two Dogs

  The Dog, as created, had a rigid tail, but after some centuries of a cheerless existence, unappreciated by Man, who made him work for his living, he implored the Creator to endow him with a wag. This being done he was able to dissemble his resentment with a sign of affection, and the earth was his and the fulness thereof. Observing this, the Politician (an animal created later) petitioned that a wag might be given him too. As he was incaudate it was conferred upon his chin, which he now wags with great profit and gratification except when he is at his meals.

  Three Recruits

  A Farmer, an Artisan, and a Labourer went to the King of their country and complained that they were compelled to support a large standing army of mere consumers, who did nothing for their keep.

  “Very well,” said the King, “my subjects’ wishes are the highest law.”

  So he disbanded his army and the consumers became producers also. The sale of their products so brought down prices that farming was ruined, and their skilled and unskilled labour drove the artisans and labourers into the almshouses and highways. In a few years the national distress was so great that the Farmer, the Artisan, and the Labourer petitioned the King to reorganize the standing army.

  “What!” said the King; “you wish to support those idle consumers again?”

  “No, your Majesty,” they replied—“we wish to enlist.”

  The Mirror

  A Silken-Eared Spaniel, who traced his descent from King Charles the Second of England, chanced to look into a mirror which was leaning against the wainscoting of a room on the ground floor of his mistress’s house. Seeing his reflection, he supposed it to be another dog, outside, and said:

  “I can chew up any such milksoppy pup as that, and I will.”

  So he ran out-of-doors and around to the side of the house where he fancied the enemy was. It so happened that at that moment a Bulldog sat there sunning his teeth. The Spaniel stopped short in dire consternation, and, after regarding the Bulldog a moment from a safe distance, said:

  “I don’t know whether you cultivate the arts of peace or your flag is flung to the battle and the breeze and your voice is for war. If you are a civilian, the windows of this house flatter you worse than a newspaper, but if you’re a soldier, they do you a grave injustice.”

  This speech being unintelligible to the Bulldog he only civilly smiled, which so terrified the Spaniel that he dropped dead in his tracks.

  Saint and Sinner

  “My friend,” said a distinguished officer of the Salvation Army, to a Most Wicked Sinner, “I was once a drunkard, a thief, an assassin. The Divine Grace has made me what I am.”

  The Most Wicked Sinner looked at him from head to foot. “Henceforth,” he said, “the Divine Grace, I fancy, will let well enough alone.”

  An Antidote

  A Young Ostrich came to its Mother, groaning with pain and with its wings tightly crossed upon its stomach.

  “What have you been eating?” the Mother asked, with solicitude.

  “Nothing but a keg of Nails,” was the reply.

  “What!” exclaimed the Mother; “a whole keg of Nails, at your age! Why, you will kill yourself that way. Go quickly, my child, and swallow a claw-hammer.”

  A Weary Echo

  A Convention of female writers, which for two days had been stuffing Woman’s couch with goose-quills and hailing the down of a new era, adjourned with unabated enthusiasm, shouting, “Place aux dames!” And Echo wearily replied, “Oh, damn.”

  The Ingenious Blackmailer

  An Inventor went to a King and was granted an audience, when the following conversation ensued:

  Inventor.—“May it please your Majesty, I have invented a rifle that discharges lightning.”

  King.—“Ah, you wish to sell me the secret.”

  Inventor.—“Yes; it will enable your army to overrun any nati
on that is accessible.”

  King.—“In order to get any good of my outlay for your invention, I must make a war, and do so as soon as I can arm my troops—before your secret is discovered by foreign nations. How much do you want?”

  Inventor.—“One million dollars.”

  King.—“And how much will it cost to make the change of arms?”

  Inventor.—“Fifty millions.”

  King.—“And the war will Cost—?”

  Inventor.—“But consider the glory and the spoils!”

  King.—“Exactly. But if I am not seeking these advantages? What if I decline to purchase?”

  Inventor.—“There is no economy in that. Though a patriot, I am poor; if my own country will not patronise me, I must seek a market elsewhere.”

  King (to Prime Minister).—“Take this blackmailer and cut off his head.”

  A Talisman

  Having been summoned to serve as a juror, a Prominent Citizen sent a physician’s certificate stating that he was afflicted with softening of the brain.

  “The gentleman is excused,” said the Judge, handing back the certificate to the person who had brought it, “he has a brain.”

  The Ancient Order

  Hardly had that ancient order, the Sultans of Exceeding Splendour, been completely founded by the Grand Flashing Inaccessible, when a question arose as to what should be the title of address among the members. Some wanted it to be simply “my Lord,” others held out for “your Dukeness,” and still others preferred “my Sovereign Liege.” Finally the gorgeous jewel of the order, gleaming upon the breast of every member, suggested “your Badgesty,” which was adopted, and the order became popularly known as the Kings of Catarrh.

  A Fatal Disorder

  A Dying Man who had been shot was requested by officers of the law to make a statement, and be quick about it.

  “You were assaulted without provocation, of course,” said the District Attorney, preparing to set down the answer.

  “No,” replied the Dying Man, “I was the aggressor.”

  “Yes, I understand,” said the District Attorney; “you committed the aggression—you were compelled to, as it were. You did it in self-defence.”

  “I don’t think he would have hurt me if I had let him alone,” said the other. “No, I fancy he was a man of peace, and would not have hurt a fly. I brought such a pressure to bear on him that he naturally had to yield—he couldn’t hold out. If he had refused to shoot me I don’t see how I could decently have continued his acquaintance.”

  “Good Heavens!” exclaimed the District Attorney, throwing down his note-book and pencil; “this is all quite irregular. I can’t make use of such an ante-mortem statement as that.”

  “I never before knew a man to tell the truth,” said the Chief of Police, “when dying of violence.”

  “Violence nothing!” the Police Surgeon said, pulling out and inspecting the man’s tongue—“it is the truth that is killing him.”

  The Massacre

  Some Holy Missionaries in China having been deprived of life by the Bigoted Heathens, the Christian Press made a note of it, and was greatly pained to point out the contrast between the Bigoted Heathens and the law-abiding countrymen of the Holy Missionaries who had wickedly been sent to eternal bliss.

  “Yes,” assented a Miserable Sinner, as he finished reading the articles, “the Heathens of Ying Shing are deceitful above all things and desperately wicked. By the way,” he added, turning over the paper to read the entertaining and instructive Fables, “I know the Heathenese lingo. Ying Shing means Rock Creek; it is in the Province of Wyo Ming.”

  A Ship and a Man

  Seeing a ship sailing by upon the sea of politics, an Ambitious Person started in hot pursuit along the strand; but the people’s eyes being fixed upon the Presidency no one observed the pursuer. This greatly annoyed him, and recollecting that he was not aquatic, he stopped and shouted across the waves’ tumultous roar:

  “Take my name off the passenger list.”

  Back to him over the waters, hollow and heartless, like laughter in a tomb, rang the voice of the Skipper:

  “’T ain’t on!”

  And there, in the focus of a million pairs of convergent eyes, the Ambitious Person sat him down between the sun and moon and murmured sadly to his own soul:

  “Marooned, by thunder!”

  Congress and the People

  Successive Congresses having greatly impoverished the People, they were discouraged and wept copiously.

  “Why do you weep?” inquired an Angel who had perched upon a fence near by.

  “They have taken all we have,” replied the People—“excepting,” they added, noting the suggestive visitant—“excepting our hope in heaven. Thank God, they cannot deprive us of that!”

  But at last came the Congress of 1889.

  The Justice and His Accuser

  An eminent Justice of the Supreme Court of Patagascar was accused of having obtained his appointment by fraud.

  “You wander,” he said to the Accuser; “it is of little importance how I obtained my power; it is only important how I have used it.”

  “I confess,” said the Accuser, “that in comparison with the rascally way in which you have conducted yourself on the Bench, the rascally way in which you got there does seem rather a trifle.”

  The Highwayman and the Traveller

  A Highwayman confronted a Traveller, and covering him with a firearm, shouted: “Your money or your life!”

  “My good friend,” said the Traveller, “according to the terms of your demand my money will save my life, my life my money; you imply you will take one or the other, but not both. If that is what you mean, please be good enough to take my life.”

  “That is not what I mean,” said the Highwayman; “you cannot save your money by giving up your life.”

  “Then take it, anyhow,” the Traveller said. “If it will not save my money, it is good for nothing.”

  The Highwayman was so pleased with the Traveller’s philosophy and wit that he took him into partnership, and this splendid combination of talent started a newspaper.

  The Policeman and the Citizen

  A Policeman, finding a man that had fallen in a fit, said, “This man is drunk,” and began beating him on the head with his club. A passing Citizen said:

  “Why do you murder a man that is already harmless?”

  Thereupon the Policeman left the man in a fit and attacked the Citizen, who, after receiving several severe contusions, ran away.

  “Alas,” said the Policeman, “why did I not attack the sober one before exhausting myself upon the other?”

  Thenceforward he pursued that plan, and by zeal and diligence rose to be Chief, and sobriety is unknown in the region subject to his sway.

  The Writer and the Tramps

  An Ambitious Writer, distinguished for the condition of his linen, was travelling the high road to fame, when he met a Tramp.

  “What is the matter with your shirt?” inquired the Tramp.

  “It bears the marks of that superb unconcern which is the characteristic of genius,” replied the Ambitious Writer, contemptuously passing him by.

  Resting by the wayside a little later, the Tramp carved upon the smooth bark of a birch-tree the words, “John Gump, Champion Genius.”

  Two Politicians

  Two Politicians were exchanging ideas regarding the rewards for public service.

  “The reward which I most desire,” said the First Politician, “is the gratitude of my fellow-citizens.”

  “That would be very gratifying, no doubt,” said the Second Politician, “but, alas! in order to obtain it one has to retire from politics.”

  For an instant they gazed upon each other with inexpressible tenderness; then the First Politician murmured, “God’s will be done! Since we cannot hope for reward, let us be content with what we have.”

  And lifting their right hands from the public treasury they swore to be content.

&n
bsp; The Fugitive Office

  A Traveller arriving at the capitol of the nation saw a vast plain outside the wall, filled with struggling and shouting men. While he looked upon the alarming spectacle an Office broke away from the Throng and took shelter in a tomb close to where he stood, the crowd being too intent upon hammering one another to observe that the cause of their contention had departed.

  “Poor bruised and bleeding creature,” said the compassionate Traveller, “what misfortune caused you to be so far away from the source of power?”

  “I ‘sought the man,’” said the Office.

  The Tyrant Frog

  A Snake swallowing a frog head-first was approached by a Naturalist with a stick.